Top 10 Most Effective Relationship Tips

I am only 22, and not even married yet, so I feel I must explain where my knowledge comes from. I get most of my knowledge from studying psychology at large, and so I'm going to reference real sources in this one, since there a lot of myths out there about relationships. Keep in mind that psychology is an ever-changing science, so there are no answers set in stone, even with all the statistics I give you. Not only do I have somewhat extensive psychology knowledge in general, but my life experiences so far have forced me to learn quickly, and I've had to dive out of more than one awful situation and come out intact enough to still be a good mother in the meantime. I also have the experience of a good relationship with my fiance, and have learned from both the good and bad in my life. I have also tried to stick to advice that is rather general, since things that work for one person or couple might not work for another. Hopefully this issue will not apply here, for the most part. Many of my friends are married or have kids of their own, and some are still looking to find that kindred spirit, but this advice is for anyone in a long-term relationship who is perfectly happy or is going through a rough spot. I suppose I should also mention that these 10 pieces of advice are really in no particular order, and are all things that should be done continuously. None of these are one-time quick fixes. Instead, this article is advice for a healthy way of life.

1. Have more sex.

"A good sex life is an important part of an individual's overall health," says Mark Schoen, Ph.D., director of sex education for the Sinclair Intimacy Institute. "People who have a good sex life feel better [mentally and physically]." If you and your partner don't usually have sex at least once a week, you probably have a problem. Most pyschotherapists will agree that you should shoot for around four times per week as your goal. This is often a much harder task for women than men, and there are a number of ways to motivate yourself, but they all include something called 'hard work' which some people don't expect out of a relationship. The big task is to simply force yourself to find that mood, and go for it. Try new clothes, exercising more regularly, or simply doing something new together, whether that activity in itself is sexual or not. Sex is an extremely important part of a healthy relationship, and it isn't going to happen if you just wait around for it to improve!

2. Be the change you want to see.

Bickering is a huge issue in relationships, at least as far as I have personally found. My man and I are both rather opinionated and passionate people, and if one of us snaps at the other, we do our best not to simply go with the gut reaction to snap back, because that will create an argument. If he is obviously angry, and I think he is being unreasonable, instead of being angry that he is angry, I try to simply listen calmly, and then explain my opinion as empathic-ally as possible, and he does the same for me. It takes two people to argue, after all. On the same note, if you find yourself thinking, "She never cuddles me anymore," or "I wish he would just suggest a movie night or a date every so often," think about the fact that these activities also take two people. Imitation is a huge part of the way people act toward each other, so if you snuggle her, chances are she will reciprocate.

This becomes simple as soon as you remember to simply have empathy toward one another. If your partner is angry, they are unhappy and stressed, and probably for a good reason.

3. Spend time away from one another.

Giving yourself a little time to miss the hubby is a good thing! Your partner isn't going to be mad that you are without him for a girls night out, and you won't wave good-bye to your social life. Don't take your man with you when you go out with the girls, he probably doesn't want to go, and they likely don't want him there either. It is really quite important not to lose yourself in your relationship, and remember your hobbies and friends. At the very least, it will give you something to talk about when you see him again, whether good or bad.

4. Keep a clean house.

"Studies show that cluttered houses can cause stress, weight gain and increase the rate of illness. The good news is that once you house is clean, you instantly feel better!" This is a strange one, but most people are naturally much, much more stressed and negatively affected in general when the house is a mess. It is one less weight on your shoulders, and it will make your wife happy too! You are also destined to find old photo albums to look through or board games buried in the back of a cabinet, and that will give you an activity to bond through for the night.

On the same line of thinking, clean up your life a little too. Whether it is financial stresses, or overloads of time spent at work, getting rid of unrelated stresses will improve your relationship.

5. Exercise and eat right.

Yes, I say this as a solution to every single psychology issue, don't I? Dr. Debbie Motz says, "It is actually proven that most mood issues can be improved by aerobic exercise for 20 minutes, two times per week." If Major Depressive Disorder has a chance of being completely eliminated by this simple routine, just imagine how much better it will make you feel. Not only will you have more energy and be simply healthier, but you will feel better about yourself once you start to see the improvements. Undoubtedly your partner will notice these changes too.

6. Remember why...

These are rather specific, and it is important to think about each of them individually every so often. Why do you respect, love, trust, and like the person you are with? If you don't feel that you do any longer, try to remember why you did at one time, and discuss this with them. If you don't have any one of these things, the other three will fall apart beneath you. I have learned over time that these four things are absolute must-haves, at all costs.

7. Talk about your problems as soon as you think about them.

If you bottle things up, you'll make yourself angry. Don't try to deal with a problem yourself if you aren't the only one involved. For example, if my man keeps leaving the bathroom curtain open and I want it to be closed so that it doesn't mildew, I shouldn't have to keep going back and closing it every time he gets out of the shower just because I don't want to bother him with a stupid pet-peeve, or worse, because I'm afraid his opinion will be different and it will turn into an argument. You should never be afraid that expressing yourself will spark an argument - even though realistically it might. You should be trusting enough of your partner to work it out with you, no matter how small or large the issue, even if an argument does ensue. If you don't feel that way, well, make that the first thing you talk about.

As an addendum, this does not mean that your partner must agree with you, or even that you will necessarily come to a conclusion on some arguments. Sometimes you must agree to disagree, but at least you will know where one another stands. And sometimes, you'll have to compromise, and you must be willing to do that as well. Not only this, but you have to remember the other side of this step - listening when your partner brings something up to you.

8. Stop listening to other people.

I have realized that not only have I gotten a ton of bad advice on my specific problems in the past, but that talking to uninvolved parties did a lot more harm than good. If your new wife doesn't seem as accepting of your kids as her own, talk to her about it, not Aunt Betty. Aunt Betty likes drama a lot anyway, and of course she is going to tell you that you were better off without that darn woman. If you have already talked with your partner about a really important issue, and it still is something that is coming between the two of you, go to a therapist and seek professional help. Or, in the case of an event being the issue, let time heal some of your wounds, then bring it up again. It is actually proven that 90% of events in a persons life do not continue to mentally or emotionally effect them at all only three months after they happen.

Also, some people may have different viewpoints than others as far as what is socially acceptable. For instance, some couples are fine with staying their whole lives unmarried, because they are not religious, or because of other reasons. However, if one person feels that they should not get married, and the other is unsure, too often the unsure person will be influenced by a majority vote instead of truly considering his or her own beliefs and feelings. Just remember that when all else fails, look inside yourself - the people who love you aren't judging you as much as you think.

9. Don't try to change or control your partner.

Remember that whole "be the change you want to see" thing? I would like to emphasize that attitude now. People can only change themselves, and that rarely happens the way it is expected to. Sometimes this is for better, and sometimes for worse, but either way, it is a futile thing to stress about. Instead of expecting change, simply express your needs, and be an encouraging motivator.

10. Make time for quality-time, alone.

This is something my fiance taught me. I was so used to taking my son absolutely everywhere with me that I had forgotten how to discontinue mommy-mode and simply have real, grown up fun. It took me a while to realize that I shouldn't feel guilty for spending a night without him every so often, or hiring a sitter so that we could have dinner and a movie out, because it was making me healthier and happier. Do your best to take time for at least a few minutes every day and at least a few hours every week to spend real, quality alone-time with your partner. Going out for a movie with the wife isn't the hard part, it is finding the time (schedule it in, you aren't too busy, trust me), and actually centering your mind on the moment when you get there. The ideal way to live life is to live in the moment all the time, and not worry about all the other things going on in your complicated life, but for most of us, that mentality simply can't stay with us 100% of the time. Your goal should be to remind yourself when you are spending this quality time together to keep your mind off of everything else, no matter how it tries to wander, and focus on each other, and the time at hand. Before long, you'll find yourself engrossed in conversation as though you had just met.

I have a billion other things I would like to say, but these are the best tips I can give, in my opinion. I truly hope that my friends, family, and complete strangers who come across this article will get at least one small morsel from this that helps them in one way or another.